Married for Good

Paula and LeRoy Walls. 

Photo by

  
Krizan Photography  

Written by 
LeRoy Walls 
CEO 

During the depression Paula’s grandfather, Dick Grisham, sold shoes and other general farm supplies at his Elk Creek store near Cabool. The shoes were matched up from salesmen’s new shoe samples. The price was definitely right but sometimes the left shoe was slightly different in size or style from the right shoe. My Dad, and hundreds of other farm folks like him, bought some of these mixed and matched bargain shoes at the Elk Creek General store during the depression and got along just fine with them.

When we look for the person with whom we will spend our life, we always look for the perfect match. Usually sometime after the honeymoon is over, we find that maybe the match wasn’t so perfect. In fact if we are a normal couple, we are often likely to think that we are totally incompatible.

My wife Paula grew up in my hometown of Cabool as the daughter of main street dry goods merchants. I grew up on a 120 acre Ozark farm five miles east of Cabool.

After Paula and I were married we had conflicts over big things and also over little things like the handling of "trash" and "toothpaste." My Dad never took out the trash so I didn’t plan on doing it. Unfortunately, Paula’s Mom didn’t take out the trash, and Paula didn’t plan on doing it either. In regards to toothpaste - I had been properly trained on how to roll the toothpaste up from the end. Living with my new bride who squeezed the tube from anywhere and everywhere was bad enough but never bothering to put the cap back on was almost more than I could stand!

A successful marriage is based on trust, and I’m sure Paula felt - "How can I trust someone who doesn’t dance, doesn’t talk much and won’t ask for directions?" While I felt - "How can I trust someone who won’t take out the trash and doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste??"

After some of our differences became more apparent, I felt much like Uncle Billy in the Mitford series when he said, I took her for better or for worse but sometimes she’s worse than I took her for!

Here are a few frightening statistics about marriage failure:

• 40% of first marriages fail

• 66% of second marriages fail

• 85% of third marriages fail

I wonder what percent of these failures are due to incompatibility on such critical items as trash, toothpaste and dancing? In conversations with individuals in their second or third marriage we have found that some now realize that if they had worked harder in the first marriage they could have made it succeed. Some found that taking another choice of who’s behind door number 2 or 3 didn’t prove any better than door number 1. Marriage vows are serious promises. If later divorce seems like a real possibility - better the marriage not take place.

Many young couples don’t realize that there are problems in all marriages. When someone with a marital problem asks for advice, should we say, "I wouldn’t put up with that" or being more helpful we could suggest "All of us have problems in our marriages; couples must work at resolving them." Many problems are just due to a lack of frankness, willingness to listen and to be tolerant of differences in individuals.

Paula and I had many differences over the handling of money. Like many young couples it seemed like that whoever handled the money - there wasn’t enough to go around. I can’t recommend any solutions for this other than to set spending priorities jointly. Even with money problems within a marriage they often get much worse if the marriage is dissolved. Historical information has shown couples who stay together are much better off financially than couples that divorce or separate!

Some couples with marriage problems may have the mistaken idea that if they have children this will automatically solve their problems. It won’t! And unfortunately it may give the children an uncertain future. Fortunately the days of divorced parents not paying their child support are less common. Yet in spite of laws requiring the garnishment of wages for child support, some spouses fail to support their children and the children suffer.

Moral issues and faithfulness were never the cause of problems between Paula and me. But they are important to the success of a marriage and later to the success of a family.

There were a couple of times when Paula got fed up and left me - but fortunately she came back. Her words "I’m leaving you" were very frightening and caused me a great deal of soul searching. Her coming back was, no doubt, primarily because of our kids, but hopefully also because despite my deficiencies she still loved me. Many men, and I, tend to keep problems inside and not discuss them openly.

Peacemaking in marriage or in other relationships is not for the wimpy or weak. The first and often critical step toward improving a relationship is wanting improvement. It takes effort and real courage to discuss differences frankly or to take the next step toward reconciliation by saying, "I’m sorry." In fact for me, saying this is usually a good place to start getting past a problem. I am privileged to be married to Paula. Over the years we have both changed some and both adapted some to the nature of the other. I believe this is the most common way marriages become successful. Successful marriages aren’t made in heaven but are shaped here on earth by hard work, adjustment and forgiveness.

The day when Paula and I quit trying to change each other and began accepting the other as we are was the day when our marriage began to grow stronger. In fact since that time we have probably canged more on our own than we ever did when she or I was trying to get our mate to change.

Marriage is not an event but a journey. It is what we make of it from day to day. The more sharing and adapting the couple does - - the more pleasant and rewarding the journey will be.

Our marriage has weathered some difficult storms when at times it looked like we might not make it as a couple. But we worked at the difficulties and are now more tolerant of our individual differences. Our last 16 years have been wonderful and could have been lost if we had given up after the first 15. Now I believe Forest Gump would say that Paula and I are just like peas and carrots.

In case you’re interested: I now take out the trash, Paula and I each have our own tube of toothpaste, and I can now do a poor imitation of slow dancing.

12/31/1999